Detective Conan: The Potato Chronicles
by Toastus Maximus
Summary: What would happen if someone like us traveled into the world of Detective Conan and realized just how dumb some of the plot is? Crack. Not intended to diss on the show, just wrote it for fun.
1. The Randomness Will Never End

**Author's Intro:**

Ello, I'm Toast. This is my lovely little parody I wrote. I love DC, and I would never ever ever ever ever make fun of it...in a serious manner, anyway.

I use English names in the first two chapters for people who watched the dubbed version, and then I realize how dumb they sound, so I changed to the Japanese names in the third chapter.

I do** NOT** own Detective Conan or its characters.

**And so the story begins...**

_BOOM!_

Ms. Robinson hit the desk, waking the random girl who lay asleep at her desk.

Ms. Robinson: Raven! Wake up!

The girl arose, a lazy eye and drool on her face.

Raven: (Wiping off slobber and rubbing eye) Good lord, Ms. Robinson. Why do you have to be such a-

RING!

Raven: YES! FREEDOM! (Runs out of room)

: Ugh. (Sigh) I'm getting too old for this.

Raven, eighteen years of age, jumps in her car and speeds home. She shoves a CD in the CD player.

Raven: Ludo! Woo! (Singing along as she pulls up to her driveway.)

She runs in her mother's house, sets her backpack down, and gets on the computer.

Mother: Raven, what are you doing on the computer? I was on there.

Raven: Mom, talk to the hand, mmkay? I'm on MySpace.

Mother: No, get off it right now before I ground you!

Raven: Shmeh! (Closes out and gets off) I'm going to go get some better clothes on and go for a walk.

Mother: And you have to dress for a walk why?

Raven: Mom I told you I'm freakin' awesome. That's why. (Runs up stairs)

Mother: (Sigh.) Useless.

Raven goes to her closet. All she has are band shirts and somewhat tight jeans. Her being a tomboy, she had no tight shirts. They were all boy shirts, medium to small. Her long, dark brown hair was always in a ponytail, and she always wore a hat, backwards. The tall, skinny girl changed into something casual, thew on some shoes, and walked out.

**Elsewhere...**

Conan: OWWWWW!

Rachel: Aw, Conan. (Baby voice) put some pressure on it.

Richard: Rachel, don't be a baby to him.

Conan: It hurts, stupid glass cut my finger.

Rachel: Awwwwww!

Richard: Seriously? It's only a cut.

Rachel: Shut up dad he's just a kid!

Richard: More like an animal.

Rachel: You have no right calling him an animal! Animals live in rain forests dad! And you know what happens in rain forests? They get cut down! (hiss, growl)

Conan: (Cowers) Um...Rachel...

Rachel: WHAT? UGHHH (Stomps to room)

Richard and Conan: O.o...

Conan: Uh, what the hell.

Richard: Conan, language!

Conan: Sorry. What the crappin' hell?

Richard: Better.

Conan: Well SOMEONE is on their period this week.

Richard: Indeed. (Sips tea)

Conan feels bad for Rachel, he walks in her room and sees her writing in her diary while crying. He also sees pictures of him as his real self (Jimmy) all over her walls.

Conan: Um, Rachel, what's with the pictures on the wall? (Creeped out voice)

Rachel: (Snatching pictures off the wall) Um, what pictures? (Shifty eyes)

Conan: (Shrugs) Soooo what's wrong with you today? Did you learn about animal cruelty or something?

Rachel: No, I learned about drugs and alcohol.

Conan: Well that explains it.

Richard: Okay there's been a murder everyone get ready to randomly go out there when any other detective could do it but we happen to be like the only ones who get called and everything bad ALWAYS happens to us.

Conan: Didn't someone hire you?

Richard: Huh? What does that mean?

Conan: (Sigh) Nothing.

The three drive over to the murder scene. It's in a dark, creepy, scorn looking lakehouse in the middle of nowhere.

Conan: Wow, it's creepy here. Not a suprise someone was murdered.

They pull up to the lakehouse and park in a handicap spot.

Rachel: Um dad, isn't this illegal?

Richard: Now Rachel, what did I tell you? Do I ever seem like a man who cares about police? I'm a detective, hun.

Conan: (Rolls eyes and thinks in head) What a dumbsh-

Suddenly someone comes and busts a window out in their car.

Conan: HOLY COW!

Richard: (Gets out of car.) Buddy are you crazy? I have a badge, you better drop the bat and run far, far away.

Conan: Um, just arrest him. He broke in our window.

Guy runs away into the woods.

Rachel: Dad, why are you so stupid?

Richard: Huh?

Rachel: Nothing!

They walk out of the car and into the lakehouse. The people that live there greet them. They're all perfectly normal and casually dressed. But there is one different. One all dressed in black, with tight jeans and died black hair and a pale face.

Emo guy: Greetings, new comers.

Richard: Well hello strange dark emo kid.

Rachel: Father!

Richard: What?

Emo guy: Richard is your name right? You, your soul will burn in the fiery depths of hell. (Crazy psycho laugh with flames in background) Ahem..

Richard: ...Okay I think I just crapped myself.

Conan: (Creeped out) Eh, sooo, who got murdered?

The Mom: My son, my son was murdered. (sob, sob. cry, cry)

Conan: I'm sorry for your loss.

Emo guy: Want to come see my temple of death?

Conan: Uh, no thanks.

Annoying Cousin: Hey guys! Oh boy new people! Oh boy Richard Moore! Famous! Oh em gee! Mr. Moore I've always been a big fan of your work I study you everyday and have a poster on my wall of you I know you'll bring justice to my family and my shirt is plaid. I like it don't you?

Richard: ...

Conan: (sweat drop) Lets go to the temple, heh heh.

They walk over to the temple. There, in the temple, there is a well. There is no water, just a bunch of spider webs and dust. Conan and the others approach the well, and are quite frankly freaked out by the way it looks, as they wonder what it could be for.

Emo guy: This well is used for some crazy sh-

The Aunt: What are you doing in here?

Emo guy: I'm showing them my secret world transporting device. I mean my well.

The Aunt: Oh okay. (Walks off)

**Elsewhere...**

Raven is walking, very nonchalantly on the local sidewalk. Rubbing her chin as she thinks about why people in cartoons wear the same thing everyday.

Raven: Hmm, they must have several pairs. (Shrugs) Well, anyways. (looking around) doesn't look like anything bad or out of the ordinary is going to happen today. Nope, not at all. Everything is going to be just perfect today. No crazy weird teleporting. I am just so happy to live in America. (smile)

Suddenly she approaches a well.

Raven: Oh my gosh, it is a well. I wonder what it is for. Maybe I should go check it out. (stupid, robotic tone to her voice)

She goes towards the well, looking into it. She notices nothing is in there. She thought to herself, after watching previous episodes of InuYasha, that maybe the well will lead somewhere.

Raven: What's life without risks?

She jumps in falling towards the bottom. She hits the bottom, landing on her feet and then falls to the ground.

Raven: Ow crap that hurt. It didn't work! Dang, I'm stupid. (Looks around, and sees a button that says "Press to go to different world.") Ah! I see! Heh.. (Presses)

Then, a bright light comes out of both wells. What could possibly be happening? What could possibly be going wrong? Why aren't the wells full with water? Who was stupid enough to jump into a water well to figure it out? Find out in the next chapter!


	2. Count Me In

**Author:**

Hello everyone! :) Thank you to anyone who has viewed or reviewed (1 person, I thank that person alot) my first chapter. I love you no matter if you viewed and didn't review.

--

**Chapter 2**

"Count Me In"

--

The scene starts with an awakening blackout. Conan, Rachel, Richard, and the Emo Guy are all staring down at the person who was blacked out.

Conan: Hey, are you okay?

The person appears to be Raven, who is spaced out completely at the moment.

Raven: Ughh, wha- wher- ehhh... (gaining conscience, and sits up quickly) What the poo?! Who are you people?!

Conan: Um, I think she's okay now...

Rachel: I'll go get her some ice.

Richard: What is ice going to do? She didn't hurt anything.

Rachel: Oh, I thought maybe it woul--

Emo Guy: Heal her soul? (Slither)

Rachel: Um, yeah, sure.

Raven: What the hell is going on?! You guys kidnapped me didn't you?! HELP! HELP!

Conan: Shh! Settle down! We didn't kidnap you, you came out of the well!

Raven: Are you playing mind games kiddo? I'll jack you up! (Pulls out gun)

Richard: Put the gun down! (Pulls out badge) I'll have you arrested!

Raven: Oh yeah, well come and arrest me moron! I have a gun.

Richard: And I have a badge!

Raven: Sooo, how is that going to help you?

Richard: If you shoot me you're goin' down!

Raven: Um, won't you be going down?

Richard: Well, er, yeah. I think.

Raven: Wow.

Conan then uses his watch and shoots her with a sleeping dart. She collapses, and everyone wonders what just happened.

Richard: Get her inside! The crazy girl fainted.

They then carry her inside and lay her on the couch. She lies there, not liable to wake up any time soon. Richard goes to drink, and Rachel goes to make sure he'll be okay. Conan, on the other hand, stays behind to look after Raven. He worries if she leaves his sight, she'll run off and give him unanswered questions about the whole well ordeal.

Two hours later...

Raven awakens and sits up slowly. She looks around and scratches her head.

Raven: Okay, what's the deal? (rubbing her eyes)

Conan: (walking toward her) That's what I'm wondering. Who are you and what do you want?

Raven: I'm Raven. And um, to leave?

Conan: I'm Conan. Why are you here?

Raven: Idk, my bff Jill?

Conan: (sweat drop)

Raven: Seriously, I don't know.

Conan: Okay why were you in the well?

Raven: I was in the well across my street, homie. Not in that one. Someone took me here or something.

Conan: Okay, so you're saying someone took you out of a well and put you in the temple?

Raven: Err, wait. I think it's all coming back to me now.

They discuss what happened with Raven, as she explains all she remembers. The walk she took, jumping down the well, the big red button in the well, zombies, InuYasha, ect.

Raven: So where am I?

Conan: Well you see here, you're in a part of the anime world where you happen to be in Japan, but everyone speaks english if dubbed, and looks sort of american.

Raven: WHAT?! Oh dear.

Richard: (Drunken unstable voice) Well lets get her back to the boobie club there's plenty of shakes there.

Rachel: Father! (Cry) You make me so sad when you drink. You know what happens to drunk people? They get in car wrecks and die! (Sobbing, blabbering on about nothing)

Richard: Do you have any money, Miss...what did you say your name was?

Raven: No, I have no money. And I'm Raven, dammit.

The Aunt: Poor dear, you're so lost. You can stay with us for a while.

Rachel: So um, I've been wanting to bring this up. What was with the bright light?

Conan: This isn't possible. Some sort of teleportation.

Richard: Yeah teleportion! With pretty lights in flackababanicflehhh..

Raven: Okay I have some questions. Um, first, what the heck is with the random drunk guy? Second, why is there like some gothic creep slithering around, and why does he have a magic teleporting temple? Third, what's with the bipolar emo chick in the corner crying about car wrecks?

Conan: Don't mind them, just worry about you.

Richard: Come on you, we're goin' to get you to a flying school

Richard stands up and runs into the front door.

Rachel: ...

Richard: Well, if it's okay with the family...she can stay for the night.

The family nods their head.

Richard: Yay!

Everyone hits the hay, except for Raven. They told her time and time again she could stay in the guest bedroom, but she won't. She stayed out in the living room to watch TV. Nothing that is going on makes sense to her. She thought about it, and it kept her up all night. At around 3am, a door opened. She looked over to see who it was, and it was Rachel, standing there. She jumped.

Raven: Uh, hi there. What the poo are you doing awake?

Rachel: Oh I can't sleep. Someone is on my mind...

Raven: Let me guess, boyfriend?

Rachel: No, but someone a lot like it. His name is Jimmy. Jimmy Kudo.

Raven: What an ugly name.

Rachel: (Gasp, frown)

Raven: I mean, what a beautiful name to name a boy. Better than Conan, hah hah.

Rachel: Yeah...He's been gone for a while. I haven't seen him in a long time. I wonder if he's okay every day.

Raven: Aww, how sweet. He must not like you.

Rachel: (Gasp, frown)

Raven: I mean he must be in love with you, hah hah.

Rachel: I hope so. (Shows picture)

Raven: Oh yeah, you can only wish.

Rachel: (Gasp, frown)

Raven: I mean you can only wish that he comes back. (smile)

Rachel: Yeah...

Raven: Soooo, do you cut yourself?

Rachel: What?

Raven: Nothing.

Rachel: He's so good at soccer.

Raven: Soccer huh? Hmm... (Yawn) Welll, I'm going to sleep, so yeah. Night, chica.

Rachel: Oh yeah, I guess I'll go too. Goodnight.

That Next Morning...

Raven awakens, around 12pm. She gets up, and searches around the house. She realizes everyone is gone.

Raven: Hello?! Anyone here?

She walks outside, no one to be found. She looks in the temple, the outside area, in cars, every single room in the house.

Raven: (Scratching head) Well what happened to everyone? Did they all leave? Wait no, the cars are here. What the heck.

Suddenly, she hears a huge beating sound on the back door through the kitchen. Another, and another. Repeating itself. Raven slowly walks to the door, scared yet annoyed. It was loud, almost as if someone was taking a sledge hammer to a brick wall. She grabs a blunt object and she reaches for the handle.

BOOM!

The door swings open, as she dodges a bat coming straight at her. The boy was on roller skates.

Raven: Oh my pringles, you're that little boy on Paranoia Agent!

She hits him in the head with the blunt objects several times. The blunt object happens to be a frying pan.

Raven: (Smacking the boy in the head) Die die die!

Conan: (Running in) Raven, what is going on?!

Raven: (Screams and throws pan at Conan) Ahh! Zombi-- Oh it's just you. Where the heck have you been?!

Conan: (Hit with pan in face and falls over) Owch...

Raven: Holy crap! Lil' Slugger is in the house with a freakin' baseball bat! What the frick!

Conan: That's what I was thinking. We all just went to McDonalds. (Shows Big Mac box)

Raven: McDonalds! (Ignores the knocked out Lil' Slugger on the floor and skitters to the food) But, the cars were all here.

Conan: We took the SUV, the one hidden in the garage all the time.

Raven: Oh. Okay.

Conan: Pretty good ability you have to beat the crap out of someone.

Raven: Why yes I know. _Think Raven think, this could get you money to go back home._ (Pondering) I'm a bodyguard! Hah...

Conan: Really?

Raven: Yeah, why do you think I carry a gun around?

Conan: (Shrug) Hm.

Raven: Need anyone hired? I can do the job. Plus, I need money to get back home!

Conan: Well it's not up to me. I'm just a kid. Ask Richard.

Raven: Okay. Isn't he like, hung over?

Conan: Eh...

Richard: (Walking into the kitchen) Hung over? Nah, not a great detective like me.

Raven: _Great detective? Seriously? This guy? Wow, now I'm positive I could be a rocket scientist._

Richard: So you want to be our bodyguard, aye? I could use one around the place. How much do you charge?

Raven: Uhh, ten bucks a day.

Richard: What?! No way! That's seventy bucks a week!

Raven: So? Okay how about five.

Richard: Three.

Raven: Four if I hit Conan in the shin daily.

Richard: Deal.

Conan: Hey!

Raven: So I can stay with you guys?

Richard: Hm. Until you get enough money to leave? Alright, fine. As long as you protect us. And that means all of us.

Raven: Got it, count me in!

--

Sorry for the OOC guys! Everything will come together soon, I promise! Please review!


	3. The Excellent Mustache

**Back again, being ridiculous. I don't own Conan, but I own this parody of love.**

_Time passes, Raven becomes bodyguard, Rachel turns her name into Ran, because the name Rachel reminds her of some dramatic memory. Richard wanted to sound sexy, so his name is now Kogoro. Jimmy decided he sounded too much like a frat boy and changed his name to Shinichi, inspired by a type of cereal Sherlock Holmes used to eat, Shinichi-o's. With all this name changing, Raven decided she wanted a German name, so she started calling herself Uli. Everyone is sitting in a restraunt, eating their hearts out._

Everyone: Lalala, eating, having a great time.

Uli: Nobody get too comfortable! You know what happens when we get too comfortable!

Conan: Hm...?

Uli: Oh, you know, someone either gets shot in the head, poisoned, strangled, blown up, set on fire, beaten to death, thrown off a building, eaten by a squirrel, taken hostage, threatened by someone with a gun, steals a cat, or hides wallets behind books in a library. And at the end, there's bombs.

Uli's appearance seemed to be different now. She went from Raven; the idiot looking tomboy, to Uli- the girl with hair now cut right above her shoulders with average, everyday looking Detective Conan clothes on. (You know, jackets even in the middle of summer, dorky shoes with socks bulging out ridiculously)

Kogoro: Hmmm...I'm feeling...drunk. I'm gonna go seduce ladies half my age. You kids don't run off, and listen for an annoying woman screaming because there's a dead person!

They all nodded, and continued to eat.

Uli: So Ran, how are you today?

Ran: Just thinking about Shinichi...how this one time, he-

Uli: Got annoyed with you talking about him and threw a brick at your face?

Ran: Huh?

Uli: Nothing.

Conan: ...

Ran: Anyway, when Shinichi and I were little, we used to...

Uli: (Completely ignoring her)_ I wonder where this Shinichi guy is. Like, let's be reasonable, he just all of a sudden decided to start solving cases far away and only returns at the most random moments possible. Why does she keep blabbering on about him? She starts talking, and then looks up and goes into this creepy dream phase._

Ran: It's like it was just yesterday...(looks up and goes into a creepy dream phase)

Uli:_ See, there she goes again._ (turning to look at Conan)_ Hey, why is he blushing? And he has that stupid look on his face, like he knows this story already. You know, come to think of it, maybe he's Shinichi. He only appears when Conan goes away, and he goes into automated robot detective mode when we're all investigating a case. It's almost like his mind was taken over by grasshoppers that crawled into his brain at night..._

Ran and Uli were both in thinking mode, and Conan stared at them like a brainless llama. And of course, a lady suddenly screamed, which opened the case for the next three episodes. It was another boring case, with no comedy relief and no mushy stuff between the characters.

Sleeping Kogoro: It was you! (Conan picks up his arm and makes him point at a man dressed in a cockroach costume) You did it, all because the victim said potato, and you said pototo! It all makes sense when you look at the evidence.

Cockroach man: But how could it be me? I was baking a cake in the kitchen! My dog saw me! I have the perfect alibi!

Sleeping Kogoro: Your dog fails to confirm these details, because if you were baking a cake with your dog, your dog would have frosting on his nose, which he does not!

The cockroach man gets on his knees and cries. He gives everyone some stupid reason for killing the victim. He then pulls out his gun, but before he could go on about how he'll use his big bad gun of death to show everyone who's boss, Uli throws a pocket knife at his arm, knocking it out of his hand. The police arrest the idiot, and everyone goes home and forgets about him the next day.

**Back at the agency...**

_Kogoro, Ran, Conan, and Uli are all sitting around the dining table. Kogoro decides he wants to go to bed, as does Uli. Just as Conan is about to go to bed, Ran randomly decides she wants to call Shinichi._

Ran: I WANNA CALL SHINICHI AND JUST CHECK UP ON HIM TO SEE IF HE'S OKAY. I THINK I WILL DO THAT RIGHT NOW.

Conan: Um...uh...goodnight, Ran-niichan! (he runs up out of the room fiercly while Ran is staring facing the opposite direction, she doesn't even notice he ran out the front door)

Ran: (calling shinichi, tapping her foot, she hears the phone pick up) Hey, Shinichi. How are you?

Conan/Shinichi: Idiot, you always call me late at night or at like four in the morning. I'm not a vampire! I know I resemble one and all but...

Ran: Oh shut up you! So, [insert some random suggestion to hang out soon here]

Conan/Shinichi: How many times do I have to tell you? I'm investigating a very important case involving Elvis! People still think he's alive, Ran. Why can't you understand that?

Ran: I'm sorry Shinichi...I just...I just...(tearing up)

Uli pops out of her room and tells Ran she owes her 3572 sodas now from agreement they made that every time Ran cries, she owes Uli a soda.

Uli: It's an extra three sodas because it's over Shinichi. (grins and goes back into her room)

Ran sighs and starts talking on that phone again. She then notices that the call isn't even connected anymore. She goes in her room and starts crying because...well, because she just does. All the time.

**The next day, in an old creepy place, far far away...**

_Gin and Vodka sat at a dining table and started eating raw eggs, because they're manly like that. They also ate the chickens that layed the eggs as dessert._

Gin: I need to go clean my pistol, because my life sucks.

Vodka: Yeah, same. Hey, guess what?

Gin: Chicken butt.

Vodka: Not this time. This time I'm forserious.

Gin: Alright, what is it?

Vodka: I saw Sherry the other day, but it was like, a mini Sherry.

Gin: What? No way, that means that drug we gave her is like...not how we want it and stuff.

Vodka: Right. I saw her with some old fat guy with an excellent mustache.

Gin: When did this happen? We're always together, so you must have seen this when I was around.

Vodka: It was on our way back from our trip to Fuzzy Wuzzy Land. You were sleeping, I didn't want to wake you.

Gin: Damnit! Well let's find out where this fat old man is then!

**To Be Continued...DUNDUNDUN**


End file.
